(A woman walks into the police station and approaches the desk officer.)

Hello police? I’d like to report a kidnapping. Someone has taken my boyfriend against his will.

Kidnapped?

Yes, kidnapped! This is very urgent.

I see, how long ago did this happen?

About an hour ago.

And how do you know he’s been taken?

Well, I just got off the phone with him ... we had a bit of a conversation, 5 minutes or so ...

And?

Well, we talked about this and that ...

Look, I’m very busy here ...

You see, he really opened up about his feelings and he didn't get angry once.

... and I don’t appreciate you wasting my time. So if you will please just ...

Didn’t you hear me?! For five solid minutes, he told me how he really felt in his heart of hearts, he didn't ask for sex, he said he wanted to spend more time with me, and he actually remembered something I told him yesterday! Tell me, do you have a boyfriend?

Well, I am married (desk officer is thoughtful here) ... 5 minutes you say?

Yes!! FIVE!! We’ve been together for almost 6 years and he hasn’t been this caring for more than a minute at any time previously!

(There is a short pause while the two women just stare at each other, then ... )

Good GOD miss! Why did you wait so long to report this! His new behavior was plainly a cry for help! He has obviously been kidnapped or worse. He is in grave danger and we need to locate him soonest. Time is of the essence. Why on EARTH did you not report this sooner?

To be honest officer, after I hung up the phone, I stood rooted in shock for 45 minutes. I literally couldn’t process what had just happened. I have never had this experience before in my life, not with my ex-husband, not with my father or my son, and certainly not with my German boyfriend.

He’s GERMAN?! My dear, I understand completely then. And now that I understand, it’s amazing to me that you were able to recover so quickly. Look at Officer Washington over there. Two years ago, her husband shaved, dressed nicely and promptly returned one of her phone calls and she still hasn’t fully recovered. She's lost over half of her brain capacity, and frankly, there's very little of it now left. She’s still one of our most effective police officers though ...

Look, as much as I’d like to debate the relative intelligence or lack of, of the police service, I’d really like to locate my boyfriend please. A new boyfriend would be a pain in the ass to get, my current one rarely farts loudly in public, and there’s always the possibility that in the future, he may open up and communicate with me a second time. I’d hate to miss that. In fact, I’m worried that he's being caring and nurturing right now and that some lucky kidnapper is reaping all the benefits of it!

(The desk officer madly types into her keyboard.)

Understood, sister. I totally get it! While we’ve been talking I’ve been attempting to marshal our resources, but I’m running into some difficulty because no one else in the station believes that a man can open up about his feelings for five solid minutes. The male officers are even getting all pissed off about the impossibility of it. Are you sure it was 5 whole minutes? Maybe it was just a more normal 5 seconds?

I’m absolutely sure! Because after I hung up the phone it rang again and on the other end of the line was an agent from the DGSE. Apparently, they have automated systems that monitor all phone traffic data and their algorithm detected this anomaly and that raised a red flag.

Well, that’s pretty overwhelming evidence, however I’m still skeptical.

I don’t blame you. I feel like I’m in a dream.

(The desk officer pauses from her typing and looks again at the poor, poor woman across the counter.)

You know, they’ve done studies. There is one on YouTube where they gave 200 different actors a 6 minute script containing only romantic dialog and instructed them to follow the script. They were to follow it to the letter. Under no circumstances were they deviate from the script. All they had to do was to read the text in front of them. For this, they were promised an important role in an upcoming blockbuster film. And you know what? Not one actor was able to read the entire script without blurting out some sports score or statistic. Not a single one! The majority of the men started talking football within the first minute. Only one man made it to the 2 minute mark. If I recall, he received the Nobel peace prize for that achievement.

(The desk officer continues)

And there are other studies where instead of positive incentives, they’ve tried threats, both verbal and physical, yet the men were still unable to complete the task ...

Dammit bitch, I’m aware of all the studies! Everyone knows about them! And we’re wasting valuable time talking about this! Grab officer Washington over there if you have to, and go find my boyfriend!!

(picture credit: Nicola Barts' boyfriend)