(A man walks into the police station and approaches the desk officer.)

Hello police? I’d like to report a kidnapping. Someone has taken my girlfriend against her will.

Kidnapped?

Yes, kidnapped! This is very urgent.

I see, how long ago did this happen?

About an hour ago.

And how do you know she’s been taken?

Well, I just got off the phone with her ... we had a bit of a conversation, 5 minutes or so ...

And?

Well, we talked about this and that ...

Look, I’m very busy here ...

You see, at no time during the entire conversation did she ever complain. Not once!

... and I don’t appreciate you wasting my time. So if you will please just ...

Didn’t you hear me?! She didn’t complain about my comportment, my hygiene, my whereabouts, my lack of potential, my misuse of language or my inabilities to satisfy her in the bedroom. Nothing! Tell me, do you have a girlfriend?

Well, I am married (desk officer is thoughtful here) ... 5 minutes you say?

Yes!! FIVE!! We’ve been together for almost 6 years and she hasn’t gone more than a minute without complaining at any time previously!

(There is a short pause while the two men just stare at each other, then ... )

Good GOD man! Why did you wait so long to report this! Her not complaining was plainly a cry for help! She has obviously been kidnapped or worse. She is in grave danger and we need to locate her soonest. Time is of the essence. Why on EARTH did you not report this sooner?

To be honest officer, after I hung up the phone, I stood rooted in shock for 45 minutes. I literally couldn’t process what had just happened. I have never had this experience before in my life, not with any of my four ex-wives, not with my mother or my daughter, and certainly not with my French girlfriend.

She’s FRENCH?! My good man, I understand completely then. And now that I understand, it’s amazing to me that you were able to recover so quickly. Look at Officer Washington over there. Two years ago, his wife stopped complaining for three minutes and he still hasn’t fully recovered. He lost over half of his brain capacity. He’s still one of our most effective police officers though ...

Look, as much as I’d like to debate the relative intelligence or lack of, of the police service, I’d really like to locate my girlfriend please. A new girlfriend would be a pain in the ass to get, my current one smells nice, and there’s always the possibility that in the future, she may again go 5 minutes without complaining. I’d hate to miss that. In fact, I’m worried that she’s not complaining right now and that some lucky kidnapper is reaping all the benefits of it!

(The desk officer madly types into his keyboard.)

Understood, sir. I totally get it! While we’ve been talking I’ve been attempting to marshal our resources, but I’m running into some difficulty because no one else in the station believes that a woman can stop complaining for 5 minutes. Even the female officers are complaining about it. Are you sure it was 5 whole minutes? Maybe it was just a more normal 5 seconds?

I’m absolutely sure! Because after I hung up the phone it rang again and on the other end of the line was an agent from the DGSE. Apparently, they have automated systems that monitor all phone traffic data and their algorithm detected this anomaly and that raised a red flag.

Well, that’s pretty overwhelming evidence, however I’m still skeptical.

I don’t blame you. I feel like I’m in a dream.

(The desk officer pauses from his typing and looks again at the poor, poor man across the counter.)

You know, they’ve done studies. There is one on YouTube where they gave 200 different actresses a 6 minute script containing only positive statements and instructed them to follow the script. They were to follow it to the letter. Under no circumstances were they deviate from the script. All they had to do was to read the text in front of them. For this, they were promised an important role in an upcoming blockbuster film. And you know what? Not one actress was able to read the entire script without injecting some kind of ad-libbed complaint. Not a single one! The majority of the women complained within the first minute. Only one woman made it to the 2 minute mark. If I recall, she received the Nobel peace prize for that achievement.

(The desk officer continues)

And there are other studies where instead of positive incentives, they’ve tried threats, both verbal and physical, yet the women were still unable to complete the task ...

Dammit man, I’m aware of all the studies! Everyone knows about them! And we’re wasting valuable time talking about this! Grab officer Washington over there if you have to, and go find my girlfriend!!

(picture credit: Andrea Piacquadio)