by Hemingway
Unicorns and Attack Choppers
I laughed. I felt so wonderful. "Oh! My unicorn is racing under this rainbow! Watch out for the puppies!", I shouted.
"Your laugh is so delightful!" said my wife, Phenicia. Her unicorn was keeping pace alongside mine, and together we streaked through the sky on this gorgeous sunny day.
"No! YOUR'S is the one that's delightful! I giggled for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, I gazed upon Phenicia's beautiful face in admiration. She was surrounded with a glowing multi-coloured aura too, the absolute definition of serenity and beauty.
Our unicorns wove their way through the clouds, the golden sun warmed us from above, while the adoring encouragements from our friends and family on the ground warmed us from below. It had taken a long time to get to this point, and I wanted it to never, ever end.
"It doesn't have to end, Arne," said my unicorn, reading my mind again. Silly unicorn! "Arne, I will always be around to love you and care for you."
"Me too! Me too!" cried Phenicia adorably listening in on the conversation as all women do. "I'll love you forever, my love, Arne, whom I love more than anything!"
I laughed again, my voice like musical tears of happiness. "Oh, my dear Phenicia, it is I who loves you more than anything, and since there cannot be two people who love more than anything, because by its very definition "more than anything" implies finality, and I know that I love you more than anything, you therefore must only love me almost as much as I love you - which is not quite more than anything...
My unicorn said in a sing-song voice, "But Arne, your argument hinges on the concept of finality. Aristotelean philosophy states that one cannot know the true nature of anything, even something as seemingly evident as finality. One can only infer by examining the deficiencies and extremes, so you only think you love Phenicia more than anything, and she is also able to think that she loves you more than anything..."
Phenicia clapped her hands together delightedly at the concept. She said, "Oh look! A field of cookies! I laughed heartily at this. She of course didn't understand at all what we were talking about, she was laughing at the cookies! Oh, wonderful Phenicia with her beautiful glow and her uncomplicated mind...
She said, "I hope there are chocolate chip cookies down there!"
"Uh, are you sure that you really need another cookie?" said her unicorn, straining with effort and obviously tired of the exertion.
Phenicia said, "What's that on the horizon? Oh, I hope it's a candy fountain!"
"That's no candy fountain! That's an AH-64 Apache attack chopper with twin 30mm chain guns and four banks of Stinger air-to-air missiles!!" said my unicorn. I had to marvel at his knowledge of military aircraft and ordnance. "We're in deep shit! Hang on!" he screamed, and immediately went into evasive manoeuvres as the chopper unleashed two of its stingers at us.
The first missile completely took off the back of Phenicia's unicorn, spraying our loved ones on the ground with bits of blood and bone. It whinnied in agony, but merrily.
"Are we at the candy fountain yet?" asked Phenicia. "Why are we losing attitude?"
"You mean altitude, not attitude, my love, my sweet." I said. But it was too late. Even before the words were out of my mouth, the second stinger had vaporized Phenicia completely.
The chopper flew away. As my unicorn resumed a normal flight pattern, I loosened my grip on his soft, platinum mane. A wave of sadness started to wash over me, but I noticed a glint on the horizon, just past the vast cookie-fields. My unicorn saw it too.
"Hey, there's a field of strippers and cocaine!" he said.
I laughed. I felt so wonderful again. "Let's go! And watch out for the puppies!", I shouted.